#52: Bruce McBirney's Cure-All Water
The Good Die Young, But Scumbags Live On Forever

CBC: (January 2010)

I love Dragons Den.

Seriously, it's one of the best programs on TV right now.  The UK Dragons Den might be the most well-known, thanks to the roaring successes of Reggae Reggae Sauce, the Chocbox and the Rapstrap.  However, my favorite version is the Canadian Version.  Maybe it's because it seems more real to me than the UK Version because it's a great blend of serious business among other sordid nonsense that comes out of the mouths of both the pitchers and the Dragons.  However, sometimes the nonsense that is pitched by some of the pitchers are just insane.  The one that I'm about to talk to you right now is not only one of the most vile pitches, but it just proves the old adage that the good die young, but scumbags will be there to fuck people over like mad.

In Season 4, we were treated to such a man.  You know, I doubt he's even human.  Because what Bruce McBirney has done to people, is demonic and beyond comprehension.  Let's get to the pitch.

This bastion of truth comes out pitching his product, Precious Minerals Nano-Water.  Wanting $2,500,000 for 25% of his company, valuing his company at $10,000,000, making it one of the highest valuations in Dragon's Den history worldwide.  This asshole claims that this water can cure arthritis, colitis, hepatitus, flus, bacteria's of all kind, including the H1N1/Swine Flu infection. 

Already, it's bullshit.  But, let's play along. 

He then proceeds with his diarreha of the mouth by spraying the water in his eyes to say that it cures Pink-eye in a couple of days.  He also says that you could spray his water in your mouth and it would cure your toothaches and gingivitis.  This thing is supposed to be a miracle Cure-all, but it's just mineral water that people usually spend $2 or $3 for at the supermarket.  He sells this thing for $18 a bottle. 

Next, he uses the cheapest form of props in the world, pieces of paper and a binder just flipping what his water cures.  What's notable about this is his lack of proper spell-check with such misspellings of Indigestion, (he spelled it Indegestion), and bad or poor Prostate (He spelled it Prostrate, which both Arlene Dickinson and Brett Wilson both pointed out).

Arlene finally has had enough of the pitch and asks if the water cures insanity, in a joking sort of way, but not really.  The host, Dianne Buckner, has to tell the home audience that the claims are medically unsubstantiated.  I guess that's not a pre-requisite to pitch a product that is supposed to CURE FUCKING EVERYTHING!  Arlene asks Bruce how much he's sold.  He said he sold $40,000 to $60,000 of his water, averaging out to about 2,500-3,500 people he's conned out of money.  Then we get to Mr. Warmth himself, Kevin O'Leary.  What he says here is probably the 2nd best exchange in this pitch.  I'll let you hear for yourself.

Kevin O'Leary gives Bruce whatfor.

Amazing how Kevin sees right through his bullshit and makes it somewhat entertaining in his snide sort of way.  He tries to defend his product, or lack thereof, by saying that he's not crazy and that he's done some sort of research that he thinks makes his water more believable.  Robert Herjavik calls him out on the research and he whips out this.

This pamphlet, which he calls a book, which says all of the stuff that it cures, plus some of his "research", which I bet was done in his ass over the span of 30 seconds in the toilet.  Kevin asks if Cancer is on there, and he says that yup, it's on there.  Bruce continues his futile attempt at his pitch by saying that he gave a bottle to someone who had cervical cancer and within a month, she was back at work like a dynamo.

Robert had enough and says that he's not crazy, but he disgusts him.  Robert says this because sometimes business can be fun, but then there's people like Bruce that would scheme anybody to make a buck.  He tries to say that he's out but Bruce is interrupting him saying that it's his problem that he thinks he's disgusting, saying that he doesn't understand what he's trying to do.  Robert, trying to be the gentleman that he is, goes into a little tirade saying, "Now you don't disgust me, but you offend me.  So I'm going to say that I'm Out, and I hope the others will quickly follow so you would leave."

Arlene then continues that it's not medical research and she's out to.  Let it be known that these dragons aren't taking his crap anymore.  And let it be known that they are smarter than most people.  Finally, Jim Treliving gives what most people have been thinking of for most of the time.  I can't type it out and do it justice.  It has to be heard to be believed.

Jim Treliving lets Bruce have it.

Truer words never spoken and he's expelled and never heard from again.

And now, when I first saw this, I was pissed.  Especially when he said that this water cured cancer.  Firstly, Cancer has struck many members of my family & millions of others out there as well.  The ones that survive are blessed.  My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had to have a double mastectomy in order to quell the damage.  Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and she died in 1987, 6 months after I was born.  So, seeing this asshole say that his water cures cancer, and basically scam others out of money, pisses me off to no end.  If there is a special layer of hell that houses said scammers like Bruce McBirney, then I pray to God that he burns in the layer that's worse than that one.  May we never have to deal with such an asshole ever on this website, but knowing TV Game & Other shows of that ilk recently, I might have one when we have the next season of Shark Tank.

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